November 12, 2003 I suffered the lost of my mother. I was in the ninth grade and fourteen years old. I was at that age where I wanted to be tough and didn't want people to think I was soft so I bottled my emotions. Over the years I grew angry inside and didn't know why. I tried to mask it, even went to church a couple of times but never made a change or understood why I was that way.
So after a bunch of events occurring in my life, I gave my life fully back to Jesus in January 2011. I threw in the towel. And just when I thought I had a handle on things, this may I started experiencing dreams and thoughts of my mom and lashing out in ways that were totally unhealthy, displeasing, and misrepresenting of the God I serve. So as I sat in silence and let God speak, He began to show me the root of my issues. I never mourned the death of my mother properly. I put on a front and facade for my family and friends. I was never real with myself and expressed to anyone or even God how I felt. I was angry at her and God. I felt like it was wrong for God to take her from me. I was mad at her because I felt like if she just got up and walked she would feel better and would be here for me. I was selfish. My dreams of me growing up and sending my child to granny's house for the summer were cancelled. She would never see me graduate, get married, and have a family. That angered me deeper than I ever realized. Most importantly, my kids would never know why I am so cool because I carry a lot of great characteristics from my mom.
The reason why I was over taken by so much anger is because I refused to cast my cares on the Lord. My Bishop did a teaching on what happens when you don't cast your cares on the Lord.
1 Peter 5:7(ESV) reads "Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 8 be sober-minded, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."
Now I know we have all read this before but when my Bishop explained this to us as the lion that is prowling around is seeking someone to devour. He is seeking to devour the person who is carrying their cares. Your cares are meat for the lion. We are not strong enough to deal with the lion, but God is.
So being angry, mad, sad, infuriated, confused about a death is natural. It's normal to have those feelings. But you must go to God and cast those feelings to Him so that you do not take on the spirit of grief.
Verse 9 goes on to say, "resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you."
This lets us know that it is okay to speak to other people. We are not the only ones who feel this way when a death occurs. Don't allow the enemy to speak to you and tell you that "nobody will understand. Just don't go around anyone and tell anyone how you feel because they are all insensitive and don't care about how you feel." Other people all throughout the world have felt how you are feeling and may be experiencing the same thing at the same time. It's okay to cry. Jesus cried when John the baptist died. He wept when they said Lazarus died. Express yourself. It's the healthiest way to move forward.
Most recently my brother past away and I was outraged! He had been in prison since I was six years old for committing murder. He had five years left and someone took his life by stabbing him. I was deeply hurt and also fearful because I didn't know where he was going to spend eternity. The day after he died, we received a letter from him that he had sent prior to his death. It was a cry for help and in my heart I believe my brother had cried out to God just as he did in the end of his letter, "somebody save me".
Find the purpose that these people served in your life. Find the good in what they did and what lessons they taught you so that you can share with others. And God can get all the glory.
When people pass:
Be real with your emotions. Say exactly how you feel to God.
Pray fervently. Cast your cares on the Lord and seek His face so that His spirit may comfort you.
Continue to read His word so that you may take on His character and deal with situations as He would.
When people pass away, they have served their purpose here already. But you are still here with a purpose and an assignment to complete. Stay focused on God, continue to love, and continue to walk in your purpose.